It's THAT time again

No...not menses. In case you thought it is. Or.....is it......? Either way this post will be a bit emotional. What I mean by that time is a stretch of time when me and him are having a big fight. Like the Canadian goose big fights are pretty seasonal for the two of us I must admit. It seems that everytime before we go and see each other after months apart, we tend to have a fight about a week before we meet. The issues are different each time we fight though.

Last Saturday I confronted him about whether he is really serious about his plan to come over in September. The last months was pretty tainted with disappointments as none of his plan to come and visit me ever ... come true. Not even on my 21st birthday. I was really heartbroken when he told me they didn't approve his visa application due to lack of convincing financial balance. It was just a day before he is scheduled to fly. I never feel so.... disappointed. Never.

From that time onward ...it seems like all hell broke loose. For me at least. At first we planned maybe he could come somewhere in late March, it didnt happen. Then we plan for him to come over in May to enjoy the early summer and later in July for him to pick me up and we can head to Mexico together , even I tried to help him a bit with the financial things and send him some money to make his account look convincing enough. That plan too was thwarted. It seems that he can't come because....well he can't . He has to work and he cant come anytime he want. So fine. He sent me back my money.

Then, we agreed he could come on July for pick me up. Well not surprisingly that too will not materialized because....well he want to quit his job soon so he prefer to not take any holiday so he could claim some money for the holidays he didnt take. And use it to come in September. When I ask him last Saturday about whether he need me to bring some documents to help him with the visa process that he need to undergo before coming over in September, I got pretty upset when he shows this "yeah, whatever" attitude. Which is the reason why I begin to question him about whether he is serious or not with his plan.

I have my limits too. I have been disappointed for ...freaking 5 TIMES the last few months! I really just cant afford to have one more false hope about him coming. I am tired of having high hopes and being disappointed over and over again. And am I to be blamed if I say, "I start to feel you are not doing enough for the relationship" ? By saying that it seems that now I hurt his feeling. That sentence hit him so hard that he dont want to talk to me for two days now to think about that thing that I said. I begin to wonder whatever happened to the man who used to be my companion in the cold winter, who used to come last minutes to Canada in my rescue, who used to fly over here just to say goodbye before I go back to my country. Where do that hero go?

Is it just me who is being too demanding and not considering the difficult situation he is facing at work now ? Maybe I am wrong for saying he is not doing anything for the relationship. I must say I should appreciate him for toiling from morning to night to save some money. Unfortunately in the end I just blurted out all my discontent after all the months of....patience with his...situations or excuses, depend on how you see it. And later blaming him for not doing enough for the relationship by not being able to come over here. But really I dont know if it is fair for me to come over to his place all the time we could meet. I am just a girl, a student even. I need money as much as he needs money too. But it doesnt mean i dont want to go there, because really I want to meet him as much as I can. It is just that... it will be nice if he could at least show me some effort that he tried his best to come here instead. Somehow I feel there is really more to this problem than just the difficulties with the visa application.

I hope this will end soon. I am getting tired of being treated coldly and ignored. Even If I died in accident tomorrow he wont know anything about it since he never even ask or care about whatever happened to me the last couple of days. And when it ends, I hope both of us learn a lesson from it and hopefully make the relationship stronger than before.